The erotic adventures of Wayne Rooney

Dalrymple has observed that very few Britishers under the age of 40 read newspapers any more. But those who do, he points out sadly, appear to be

pea-brained prurient vulgarians.

English newspapers, he notes, are chiefly concerned with

developments in Wayne Rooney’s sex life,

about which they run headlines

the size of a proclamation of a state of emergency.

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